I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
