he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money