I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?