Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter