Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
