We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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