he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
