Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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