On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
