I just threw up on my dentist
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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