I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
A bitchslap is in order.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
