I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
