apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
