Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
