Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
