My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
