yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
