i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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