I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
