You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
