Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
