I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
