plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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