My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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