fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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