Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
