Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
