he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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