remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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