So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
