I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Say something about gay babies.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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