Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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