My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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