Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
