So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
