apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
