my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
