$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm just crazy horny about you
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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