I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
