wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
