I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
