I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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