First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
