guys are not supposed to queef...right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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