the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
