It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
