Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
