Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
