i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
