youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
