I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
