My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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