I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
