I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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