I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
