my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
