I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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