I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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