fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
