This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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