this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
