I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
